Here’s the ugly truth, most people don’t listen. Why? Because most peoples loveeeeeees talking about themselves. That’s so natural. It feels rewarding. When we talking about ourselves, our brain release dopamine, which known as a hormone which makes us feels good, just like eating something that we’re craving for or winning something. Also, it’s a form of self-expression and validation, so it’s give us a sense of importance. Have you ever felt when we’re talking about ourselves, about our great achievement maybe, it felt like we’re in the cloud no. 9, right?
So when it comes to a conversation, people tend to have a impulse to dominate the conversation, because we want to feel good. But, here’s the actual truth, we have to learn to listen, I already told you the reason why in a previous writing, but I never told you before this one. What is it? By the way, my family has this kind of book club activity, we called it : English club. We talk about so many things from one of a book, mostly self improvement book. Recently, we discuss this book, and here’s the secret : it’s coming from Marc Reklau in a book “How to Become A People Magnet” (it’s very practical book, if you do all the tips there, you will become a people magnet, it’s true! Cross my fingers), the more we listen, the more clever we are, the more peoples will like us. Why? Because we will become a rare human. A good listener as a rare human, will always has superiority than a good speaker, because they always give others chance to listen to others favourite speaker in the world, who is it? Themselves. Listening will make you looks a way more clever, because you gives an important meaning to what others delivered rather than bluffing about the knowledge that you have. Got the point, right?
And now the BIG questions is, how we become a good listener? The most important thing is we have to be FULLY PRESENT. It means that we have to focused in the present moment, and not getting distracted. Don’t look at your phone, more over don’t open your phone for texting or even worse, calling. Be engaged and attentive to the speaker. Here’s how, by physical appearance, you have to look straight to their eyes, nod if needed. It shows you are listening well and understand to their words. Smile also works! Inclined your body to your speaking partner, it shows you are interested. And to make sure we are listening them well and shows understanding, we have to do backchanneling, it’s when a listener responds to a speaker during the conversations. It can be verbal like : Oh yeah, I got it. Hmm. Right. Or non verbal like glances and facial expressions. Or maybe both, like nod while say yes, right. Also to show we understand and respect them, we can repeat their statement and give questions if needed.
Here’s The Rules to become a good listener : Number 1, Don’t listen to answer, but listen to understanding. Sometimes, we are not listening well because we already have something to say in our mind, and it can lead us to loose focus to the conversations. And in the end, we don’t fully get the point of it, and it mean that we are not being respectful our discussion partner. Number 2, Don’t interrupt, wait until they’re finish talking. Yes I know, sometimes we can’t handle it, we want instantly talking, more over if we find it it’s wrong or it’s not suit us, you want to shout it out, but please, we must able to control it. Otherwise, it will ruin the conversations. Number 3, Don’t give advice and solutions after they start talking, just listen! Our tendency is, we assumed if someone told us their problem, they want us to give them advice and solutions. Most of the times this is not correct, sometimes they only need to be listened. As for me, it happens so many times before, I tend to give advice to my friends, but then she said, I just want to be heard, I already know the answers, I only tell it to you because it’s makes me relieved. That’s it. That’s the sign. And it brings us to the rule Number 4 : After they finish talking, If you want to give advice, ask their permissions. You can say something like this : Can I give you some insight? You can continue if they already give you permissions. If not, back to rule number 1. Number 5, Don’t change topic, instead ask for more! If you change topic it shows you don’t care and don’t want to engage in the conversation, you have to ask for more to shows you care, want to engage and attentive.
By doing that rules, it shows that we are fully present to the conversation and our discussion partner will feel we respect them, and it makes them like us more than before. They feel they can trust us to be someone they share their thoughts, because they know we will always listened to them. Just try it, it will bring your relationship into the next level. Hope we can mastered this art of listening. I wish nothing but all the best for us! Cheers!
Love,
Kirana Sidin
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