Don’t Pick Up Your Phone!

“I’m overwhelmed”, my friend said to me while drooping down, put her head to the pillow in my sofa. “It seems like I’m struggling in between home – kids – husband – daily chores – office – friends – social life – praying – etc and it goes on and goes on. All of it demanding my attention. I can’t choose which one I have to do first, it seems all are happens in the same time.” Familiar? Maybe you ever heard this one before from your friends, or maybe yourself? As for me, I ever felt that, even though it’s not extreme as my friend’s had experienced, but still it’s a little bit affected my relationship with the others.

I have realized my mistakes (and that friend of mine) it’s because we’re not setting boundaries with the certain things in our life, in the end we end up giving too much of our time, energy, and others without protecting our own needs. People will keep asking more and more from us. When we don’t set our limits, people will assumed we are always available. They might be burdening us with a tons of responsibilities to us, making it hard to focus in ourselves. We don’t have time for ourselves, it’s because we have no limits, we always say yes, yes and yes to everything! It can be work, social, or even favours, until we have no time left to rest and to do our personal growth. And it can end up we feel burn out, exhaustion, resentment (because we always say yes, people may not appreciate our efforts, and by then we feel like we taken for granted. Sad but true) or even anger towards other. And this is the most dangerous one, because we poor at setting boundaries, it can lead to an enormous focus on others’s needs, causing us to lose sight of our own goals, values and desires. Terrifying.

I already told you the effects of not setting boundaries. And now I will tell you why we have to setting boundaries in our life. Here’s the First one, setting boundaries can protects our mental and emotional. It prevents us from exhaustion, anxiety and depression by limiting exposure to the draining situations. Second, it can helps us maintain healthy relationships, when we already set the boundaries clearly, it will communicate our need and expectations, so it will promoting mutual respect and understanding in personal or professional relationship. This is a way more easier to do than we are facing the problem or not feel okay in the end. Third, by setting boundaries, we can allocate our time and energy to do something that will nourish our body and mind. It happens to me all the time, when I had and feel enough, I say no to my friends invitation to the social event, because I prefer to do my hobby which will refresh my body and mind, such as singing and reading. I feel so refreshed after that. It doesn’t mean that I always say no, when I feel I have to go, because I also need it, I will go. The differences is, when I say YES or NO, I say it consciously and consentually with the one and only, myself. Fourth, by maintain our boundaries, it will increases our productivity and focus. It avoid distractions, minimise procrastination, and stay focus to our goals and priorities. I guess you already know what does it means, right? And the Last one, setting boundaries will enhances self-awareness and self-respect. Because we try to identify our values, needs and limits, and in the end it will develop a stronger sense of self. Yes This one is 100% true, after I try to setting boundaries, my self respect is like growing bigger and stronger. It’s the best feeling ever.

At first, when I learn about setting boundaries, I felt little bit confused on how to applied boundaries in my daily life, because the word “boundaries” itself is so complex and to be honest, intimidating. And here’s how I set it (of course I read a couple of books about this, if you want to know much about it, this is a recommended one. A book from a gorgeous writer Nedra Glover Tawwab titled : “Set Boundaries, Find Peace”). First things first, we have to set our realistic limits. Set up achievable boundaries that prioritize our well-being and respect others’ needs. I have this one friend, she is a widow with three kids, she is a very hard working but in the same time is a fun woman. One day, she told me, she feel very tired to always say yes to this one friend who always ask her to join in a social event. And not only that, by joining her, it means that she will leave her children and also sometimes she has to put aside her job, and it caused her anxious and burn out. And I told her to set her boundaries toward her friend, Every time she ask you again, you might feel pressured to say yes, but try to set realistic limit, maybe you can say like this : “Thank you for ask me to join you, but I have to accompany my daughter while doing my pending works. I’m happy to join you in the other times.” And then one day she approach me, she told me it works! Her friend is not easy to ask her again. Now she already set the boundaries by setting realistic limit.

After we already set the limits, we have to be consistent and firm. Maintain our boundaries consistently, even in challenging situations. If you have a friend who constantly calls or texts you multiple times a day and expecting immediate responses, but you mentioned it before that you are busy, but they continue not to respect your boundaries, I can say this loudly to you : Don’t pick up your phone! Don’t reply their texts! They have to respect your boundaries. And you have to do it consistently. Make your boundaries is crystal clear. If you find it to bold and intimidating, maybe the moderate one is, you can text them and say : “Appreciate you reaching out, but I’m busy doing my works, will reach you later after finished.” But as for me, I prefer the bold one. Even they are not constantly calls and texts, but if I found out their calls and texts is not clear enough, not essentials and not align with my values and goals, I will let it slide. I won’t pick up their calls and text them back, as for me, there’s no use. Maybe you find it too harsh, as I know it’s a common sense when someone is calling us or texting us, we must to answer it, right away, immediately. But it’s so yesterday for me, I won’t live to meet other expectations.

Setting boundaries is not selfish. It’s a form of self-care. Setting boundaries mean we live our lives freely and happily. And it will bring peace in the end of the day. So once again, please, don’t pick up your phone!

Love,

Kirana