In the previous article I’ve already told you my dear friends, why we have to stop saying yes and start saying no. In the end, it’s about what is truly matters and essentials for us. Only say yes when we truly mean it, and only to the essentials things. Keep saying no to non-essentials things that comes to us, something that is not align with our purpose, value or goals. By doing this, not only we create firm and clear boundaries to make our life easier and simpler, but we will gain honor and respects from the others. As people see us as someone who has principle and in the end they know we will do something great when it comes to our essentials. Be more with Less.
The next question is, how we say no gracefully? Not to hurt someone or making a conflict with others? Here’s what Greg McKeown in his book “Essentialism” teach us. First, We have to separate decision with relationship. Meaning, saying no to something is not the same as rejecting someone. We often struggle to say no because we fear it will damaging our relationship. We can say no without harming the relationship by making clear that we value the person but we can’t accept their offer or can’t commit to their request. Only when we can separate decision from our relationship, we can make a clear and firm decision and then find courage and empathy to communicate. How to apply this one? Let’s say, our friends ask us to join a weekend meet up, but we have a commitment weekend is a family time. Instead of saying : “Sorry, I can’t, I’m too busy” which can sound not pleasant, we can say something like this : “I really value our friendship but I can’t join this time, I’ll catch up with you guys soon.”
Second, saying no gracefully it doesn’t always have to mean using the word “no”. Still, it’s a no answer, but we can using other words with various ways to say no to others firmly and politely without using the word “no”. Here’s how : Using the soft “no” technique, “I’d love to, but…” or “I really appreciate the offer, but…”. Next we can using “offering an alternatives” technique. For example : “I can’t take this on, but I’d be happy to help in a smaller way.” or “I won’t be able to join, but I’d love to catch up another time.” Next we have “The Gracious Exit Way” technique. Meaning, using appreciation and acknowledgment. It will be something like this : “Thank you so much for thinking of me! Unfortunately, I have to decline.” or “That sounds like a great opportunity, but I have to pass this time.” Next technique is “The Delay Tactic” or we can say buying time to decide. It will sound like this : “Let me check my schedule, and I will back to you.” or like this : “I need to think about it before committing, I will get back to you again.” The last technique, is my favorite one, when we need to be direct we can using “The Clear and Firm No”. But ofcourse we still have to say it gracefully. It will be something like this : “I’m honored you ask, but I have to say no.” or like this : “I wish I could, but I just can’t make it work.”
We already know how to saying no gracefully without using the word no, now we can continue to the third way : Focus on Trade Off. The more we realize what we sacrifice when we say yes to someone, it’s easier for us to say no. I know that we can’t have or do everything, and every decision we make comes with a cost. We must deliberately choose what is most essential and let go of the rest, instead of trying to do it all. Focus on what we uniquely do best that will have greatest impact. For example, instead of saying yes to every work request, ask ourselves : “What is the one thing I can do that will make the biggest impact?” or instead of balancing multiple side projects, ask ourselves: “Which one aligns most with my long-term goals?”. Try to focus on that matters. As Greg McKeown say to us : “We can try to avoid the reality of trade-offs, but we can’t escape them. We can either make the choice deliberately or allow other people’s agendas to make them for us.”
Fourth, Remind ourselves that everyone is trying to sell something. It doesn’t mean we have to always feel cynical or skeptical and not trust others, but indeed, everyone is try to sell something to us. It could be ideas, commitments, point of view, understanding, or even their priorities in exchange to our time. The main idea is, if we don’t prioritize our own lives, someone else will do it for us. Remind ourselves, someone might has an agenda toward us. If we’re not careful, we ended up saying yes to something that is not our goals or values. I often experience it lately, someone trying to get me into their agenda, but sorry, I already learn how to say no gracefully, you won’t get me!
Fifth, Accepting that saying no often means choosing respect over popularity. When we say no, usually it will bring short term effect to our relationship. The effect could be someone feel offended, disappointed or even angry. It’s crystal clear shown in front of us. But you know what, here’s the good news, when all of those negative feelings go down, their respect will show up. When we say no effectively, it shows our time is very valuable. It’s what makes us different. The Essentials accept that they can’t be popular all the times. And it’s correct to say no politely and reasonable could bring social cost short-term effect. But, a part of the way of life the essentialist is aware that in a long-term respect more valuable than popularity. Preach!
And the last one, Sixth, A clear “no” answer is far more respectful and graceful than a vague “yes” or uncertain commitment. Unclear commitment leads us to stress. Saying “maybe” or avoiding an answer forces us to deal with unnecessary guilt and pressure also makes situation worse. A firm but polite no allows us to say in control of our times and priorities while maintaining respect from others. Do not say something like this : “I will try to make it” in fact, we know we won’t. This is the example of a vague yes. Better we say : “I appreciate the offer, but I won’t be able to make it.” Crystal clear it’s a no answer.
Thankfully, we come to the end of this writing, I want to wrap up this writing by quoting Greg McKeown : “If it isn’t a clear Yes, then it’s a clear No.”
Love,
Kirana
