It was a quiet and slow morning. I had finished prepared breakfast and lunch box for my kids, they were already went out for school. So, it was just me, my book and my coffee (as my husband usually sit in the other room in our home). I always loves slow morning, it’s real luxury for me. Something that I truly value in my daily life. It makes my entire day meaningful when I have this ritual. But suddenly, there was a text from my friends, ask me to join them for having a coffee in a cafe. For your information, deep inside I am an extrovert person, who gain the energy by social interactions and enjoy being around peoples. So, that text some kind of temptation for me. I already can imagine the fun, the nice conversations, the laughs, and not to mention, the coffee! Should I join them or should I stay? Yes or No? I will tell you the answer after this one.
Let me ask you first, Have you ever feel after you saying yes, you feel like some kind of empty hole in your chest? You regret it. As it’s something you are not meant it. You are not truly want it. I ever feel it. I guess we all already been there done that. It’s a common situation we faced nowadays in the society. Why is it? The most common reason is we are tend to pleasing peoples, worry if we disappointing others or being seen as a rude if we are not saying yes. Also saying yes feel easier right? Than we have to dealing with disagreement, or even confrontation. It’s like we try to avoid conflicts. Since in the certain groups or community, there is an unspoken expectation to follow the crowd, makes it harder for us to refuse. We need to feel be liked, isn’t it? We find that approval from the others feels so good, it can keep our position in a society. Not to mention, sometimes we say yes because we are worry we might regret missing an opportunity, the perfect term for this is Fear of Missing Out (FOMO). We have to join the crowds, as if it’s not, we will missed something!
We keep saying yes sometimes it’s because we feel we are…superman. We genuinely believe we can handle everything, but eventually only to realize later we have taken on too much! Why I keep saying yes? I can’t handle it anymore! Wise man says : Look before you leap! And here’s the most dangerous one, because it will lead us to suffering : Lack of boundaries. Not everyone has learned how to set firm and respectful boundaries, so “yes” becomes some kind of DEFAULT. What a waste.
Back to my situation before, can you guess what is my decision? Yes, correct. I choose to stay at home. And say No to my friends. It’s not like I wouldn’t enjoy the times with my friends, God knows how much I would! But at that moment, a slow morning is something that truly mattered for me, as it set the tone for my entire day. Being productive (by reading) in the morning, made me feel accomplished. If I had chosen to go with my friends, I would feel happy and excited, but it wouldn’t last long, I would have regretted it afterward, because I wouldn’t feel productive enough. Surely, I wouldn’t like to feel that way. But it would be different situation, If I already finished my ritual, I won’t hesitate to join with my friends.
When we feel we want to saying yes, we must really have this belief in our heart and mind that we are truly mean it. If we are not truly mean it, start saying No. I know sometimes it hard to say it, and you know why? Because we can’t define and don’t have clear understanding about what is truly matters and what is essentials for us. As I’ve already told you before in the previous article, we have to to learn to do only the essentials in our life. So we will have a fortress to guard us from all the non-essentials things as our enemy, that comes for all the directions. Eliminate the trivial many, learn to say NO to non-essentials things, tasks, commitments and distractions. Learn to say NO firmly but gracefully. (I will tell you more about this on the next writing). Once we used to do it, we will find not only our fear for disappointing or upsetting others is often exaggerated, but also that people actually will respect us more. People will honor and respect someone who has the courage and belief to say NO. And in the end, it will make respect ourselves more. Meaning, saying NO is a form of self love.
Love,
Kirana
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