A month ago I had a massive anger with my daughter. I was like holding it for 3 days, but eventually it just sparked like that. For asian parent like me (but I guess it’s the same in the western countries) we don’t like to see our kids’ bedroom being messy. I swear, it was messy as hell. I’ve already told her to clean it up. The first day, it was only a minor cleaning. I couldn’t notice the differences. But I keep quiet as I want to see how and when it will be finished. On the second day, it was still a minor cleaning, still couldn’t spot the differences. I remain silent. As she told me she will focus on tidying her study desk first, blah blah. Okay, whatever. On the third day, I waited all day to see her clean up her room. I waited until night! Indeed she has cleaned it up, but it still hasn’t finished yet. We might say it still messy. Here’s the thing, actually I’m the kind of person who doesn’t easily get mad. If Gen Z may say it, I’m more like nonchalant type of person. My kids know exactly about this, maybe that’s why she procrastinates to clean up her room. But enough is enough. I couldn’t hold it anymore. I yelled and threw my sandals at her. Oopsiess! But you know what, after I’ve done it, I felt sorry. Not only to her, but to my self. Why I have to let the anger consume me. The regret is up in the air every time I get blown by angry. I was supposed to manage my anger. I don’t like my self if I act like that.
Basically, if I want to be honest to my self, it’s not my job to worry about her bedroom. It’s her job. Whether she cleaned her room or not, it’s her choice. She will enjoy the decision she made in the end. She cleaned it up or not, she will get the effects on her decision, good or bad it’s on her. Not me. So, why do I have to be angry? Because I want to making my daughter listen and obey me. In other words, I use anger when I think it will help me get what I want (which is make her cleaned up her room). So, it means that anger is something that we create, not something that controls us. It’s a tool that we choose to create and use for a purpose. Wait….you still don’t get it? Okay, let me give you an example. Like my case before, I yelled and threw a sandal to her, you can say I’m angry right? But what if, suddenly, there was a phone call from her homeroom teacher. I will definitely calm down, and pick it up with my normal voice. Got it now? It proves us, that the anger was intentional. It was used as tool to influence my daughter’s behavior. In simple words, anger is not automatic. We choose when to use it. Since we can control it, if we can choose to be angry, we can also choose not to be. Woahhh, it’s deep, it’s another level.
Now the big question is, how we can manage our anger? Here’s the Anger Management 2.0. First thing to do, remember this, the Anger is a tool, not a reaction. Ask ourselves, Am I truly angry or I only using it to control the situation? Be honest! If we yelling to make someone listen to us, try speaking calmly instead. Next we have, change our perspective on conflict. Instead of reacting with anger, try understanding the other’s person point of view. If someone is being rude, instead of becoming angry, see it as their problem, not ours. Next is Take charge of our emotions. Instead of blaming others for “making” you angry, recognize that you are choosing to respond with anger. For example, when traffic annoys us, remind ourselves that traffic doesn’t make us angry—our response does. Hmmm…interesting. And the last one we have : Practice, practice, practice responding calmly! When we feel anger rising up, PAUSE and choose a different response—like taking a deep breath or just walking away. If our spouse gets under our skin, instead of snapping, just say, “Let’s talk about this later.” Give a moment for us to turn our emotion down.
Are you are ready to take over your emotions? Let’s get ready be the most nonchalant person ever!
Love,
Kirana
