When was the last time you felt angry? Two weeks ago, a week ago, the day before yesterday, yesterday, or maybe just now? Yeah, I bet, since it’s not a rare emotion. It’s common. There’s always something or someone that makes our blood boil. As if it’s always there to test us. For me, the biggest test is coming from my daughters. They just alternately make me lose my temper. It’s just a teenager phase, you may say, but can we skip it to the next part, please??
When I think about why I have to be angry with them, I guess the answer is that it’s one of the easiest ways to express my fear and anxiety. I feel as if I no longer have control over them. When we feel we lose control, fear and anxiety will arise, and anger eventually shows up. But honestly, if only Marcus Aurelius sits in front of me right now, he will say to me: “You may think you no longer have control over them, but the truth is, the control is never yours since the beginning.” Ouch! It’s kinda hurt, Emperor.
I may think my anger is just right, to let them know that they did something wrong, but here’s the deal: the anger is NEVER right. What, you kidding, right? I’m afraid not. At least, that’s what A Stoic teaches us. Whatever the form is, anger will bring scary consequences, for others and especially for us. Seneca once said, “No calamity has cost humanity more than the damages caused by anger.” He must have a reason when he said that, correct? Let’s find out. Stoics admit that venting anger brings pleasure. Sometimes, it feels so damn good when we angry to something or someone who deserves it, right? But here’s the thing: there’s a price we have to pay to feel that pleasure: our character, which can be defective and rotten by the anger. Stoics suggest that we avoid venting anger so as to not pay the higher prices in the future. Stoics believe that anger is a “temporary madness”, and its impact harms us more than the event we’re trying to respond to.”(Reasons Not to Worry, Brigid Delaney).
Let’s say we have an annoying friend. Yeah, many of us know someone like this. They never reach out or plan activities with us and seem to disappear when we need support. We always have to contact them first. When we meet, they act like nothing is wrong and don’t seem to notice. This feels one-sided and increasingly frustrating, leading us to dislike them. Eventually, we can’t keep quiet anymore and express our anger aggressively through shouts or texts. While this might feel satisfying initially, it only makes things worse. What started as a minor annoyance grew into a bigger issue because we’re venting our anger. In the end, we end up investing more energy into fixing the friendship instead of expressing our needs calmly. And what makes it ridiculous, over time, after the event has passed, there’s a possibility that we forget what the initial matter of the problem! Silly us!
The question is, why be angry with our friend? Let’s try to be honest, we might feel they deserve it, but the truth is, it’s their choice whether to contact us or not; we can’t control that. Our reaction to their behavior, however, is within our control. We felt angry and suffering because of it, well…like it or not, we CHOSE it. So, what can we do? We can let it go and feel calm, as it’s not a big deal. Alternatively, we can try to persuade our friend not to act that way, but we can’t expect them to do so; that’s beyond our control.
Stoics believe that, in any kind of form, we can’t give space to anger. There’s no compromise on this matter. Even though we probably want to follow Aristotle, “Anybody can become angry, that is easy. But to be angry with the right person, to the right degree, at the right time, for the right purpose, and in the right way, that is not within everybody’s power and is not easy.” There’s a space for us to be angry, right? As long as it fulfills all of the criteria. But you notice in the end he said it’s not easy, correct? Maybe that’s why Stoics are trying to tell us, don’t give it a space, as it won’t be easy, and it will only bring destruction if we fail to manage. Honestly, the root of what makes us angry is our unrealistic expectations that the world will go according to our wishes. And that “expectations,” my dearest friends, is something within our control.
And how do we control it? Don’t worry, be happy! Until we meet again in the next writing (Part 2). Keep that spirit alive as we explore new ideas!
Love,
Kirana
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