The Secrets Behind Lasting Relationships Revealed! (Part 1)

I just left Desi & Arif’s (pseudonym) apartment.

It was raining a little, not dramatically, just that soft, cold kind of drizzle that feels like it’s trying to match the mood. And I can’t stop replaying it.

The plate. It started with a plate.

I sat there, third-wheeling a conversation I wasn’t invited into. And it wasn’t yelling, or insults, or anything you’d call dramatic. It was worse. It was quiet. Heavy. The kind of tired that comes from disappointment layered over time.

Desi sounded like someone who had said the same sentence a hundred times but still held a sliver of hope that this time, he might hear it. Arif sounded like someone who wanted peace, but not enough to change.

And I just sat there. Frozen. Because how do you interrupt that kind of sadness?

They used to laugh. God, they used to laugh so much. At the dumbest things. Inside jokes I never fully understood. Now they barely make eye contact. I always thought they were a match from heaven. And the worst part? The love isn’t in the air again. Everything is quietly falling apart.

I wish I could fix it. Say the one sentence that pulls them back to that first version of themselves. But love doesn’t work that way. It shrinks when left unattended. And I think they stopped watering it somewhere between the errands and the ego. I love them both. And maybe that’s what hurts the most, watching two good people slowly stop being good together.

Even though I’m praying it’s only me who has this kind of experience, watching the love between our friends’ relationships fade away, I can’t help but think this is common nowadays. Sad but true. But, on the other hand, we also witnessed that there are couples who last decades, and keep their strong relationship. I wish nothing but to be like them.

I keep wondering, Why do couples stay happy and together for decades, even when the surrounding society is experiencing shifting? On the other hand, there are other couples, in the beginning, so sure they are a match from heaven, but end up constantly fighting, having arguments, and being in misery, and in the end, fall apart. This question keeps hanging around in my mind.

Gladly, I found the answer in a book called Supercommunicator by Charles Duhigg. He discusses studies by young scientists from various universities in the USA, often referred to as “Love Shrinks.” They began by recording and analyzing conversations between couples, asking them about their marriage, sex life, talks, and arguments. Over a few years, they recorded more than a thousand arguments. The studies showed an interesting finding: many couples were good at listening to each other and even demonstrated that they were listening. That’s kind of the minimum for a marriage.” So, what’s the issue? Why were they still splitting up?

Two findings appear, eventually. First, almost every couple argues; about 8 percent of Americans fight at least once a day. Despite this, most marriages have some conflict. The second finding shows that some couples arguments are brief. They feel happy in their marriage and don’t consider divorce. In contrast, other couples struggle, as even minor conflicts can escalate negatively.

Two types of couples are present: unhappy and happy. Unhappy couples often think about divorce and struggle with serious issues like money, health, and substance use. In contrast, happy couples usually argue over minor things, like vacation plans. They found that their hypothesis was wrong. Both types of couples argued about the same issues.

Their next hypothesis was: Is it because they could compromise easily and focus on solutions? Maybe they got tired of fighting sooner? But wrong again. It’s not proven that one happy couple is more trained on how to manage the conflict or compromise easily. As a matter of fact, the scientists found that several happy couples are so bad at handling the problem. They keep having arguments and never get solutions, but still they enjoy their marriage. On the contrary, there are unhappy couples who fought with the “right way” as if they read all of the books about romantic relationships and got so much advice, but they keep irritated with each other, and end up splitting up.

So, once again, what’s the real issue here? Hellooooooo.

Hold your breath, okay? Until we catch up again in the next part. Stick with me!

Love,

Kirana