Sofia was the kind of student every teacher remembered.
She wasn’t the smartest in class, but she was very curious. She stayed after class to ask questions about the lecture, wrote essays on any available paper she could find, and viewed lectures as facts to apply in real life.
In the first semester of her final year, she has to face Mrs. Retno, known for her sharp mind and sharp tongue.
Sofia feels a little bit nervous, came in wide-eyed, but ready for whatever she’ll face. The students’ projects require them to do their essay presentation in front of Mrs. Retno.
And it’s time for Sofia. When she presented, the class was quiet.
Mrs. Retno leaned back, expressions unreadable, then She said:
“This is a mess. It’s confused. You’re trying to be clever, but it comes off wrong. This idea? Bad. Your argumentation? Poor. You clearly don’t know what you’re doing.”
Laughter. A few awkward coughs. Sofia froze.
It wasn’t that the critique was wrong. She noticed a part of her essays was ridiculous, But…the delivery, the tone, felt like a slap in the face. No guidance, no direction, just tear down.
After Sofia went home, she didn’t touch her essays for a week. The next few weeks just got worse. Mrs. Retno kept tearing into her. Publicly. Harshly. No encouragement. No “here’s how you improve.” Just “Not good enough”.
By mid-semester, Sofia stopped staying late. Her essays got safer. She became the kind of student who just ticked boxes. A ghost of who she was before.
Woah, it’s sad, isn’t it? We agree that kind of criticism is bad, right? I agree we can talk about Sofia’s response, probably you will find you don’t agree either. But it’s another dimension, let’s talk about critique first. Because it’s common to all of us, we love to deliver the criticism.
One important thing to remember is not critique others if you don’t need to. Only if you had to. We often believe they will understand, but we don’t know the effect on others in the name of “honesty.” Sure, we have to be honest, but never forget we’re talking to a human being. We should aim to build others up, not to impress them. Criticism often goes wrong not because the content is wrong, but because the intention behind it is off. Here’s the truth: Many people give feedback not to help, but to show off their knowledge. It’s subtle, but it shows, in tone, word choices, and timing.
Instead of saying something like this: “Honestly, this is such a rookie mistake. I would’ve gone with a more sophisticated design, but cleaner like Dior suit winter 2025 design, this feels like something from 2010,” try to say: “I see what you’re trying to do here, and the idea has potential. One thing that might help is simplifying the design so users don’t get overwhelmed. Want me to show you how I’d approach it?”
Yes, the first one seems smart and confident, but it can shut people down. The second one is still honest and critical, but it feels more like a teammate rather than a judge. So, before giving others feedback or critique, ask ourselves: “Am I saying this to help them grow, or to prove I know better?”
And if you really had to deliver the feedback or critique, try this technique wisely. It’s called “Sandwich Method”, because it resembles a sandwich. Praise – critique – Praise. Starts with praise, mentioning something nice and positive about the person. Then, address their behavior and areas for improvement. Finally, end with more positive remarks about what you appreciate in their work and behavior. (Marc Reklau, How To Become People Magnet)
Then, this one is also important: be diplomatic when we come to the crucial point. It may relate to their error, but avoid calling it a mistake. Instead, say something like, “There are a few areas that you can improve, or even better.”
This is the Last, and very important, don’t use the word “but.” A “but” word will erase all the words we deliver before. Our feedback will lose its effectiveness, or probably its credibility too. We can avoid this situation by changing the “but” word to “and”. It helps keep both parts of the sentence valid and connected, creating a more collaborative tone. Instead of saying, “You explained the topic clearly, but you spoke too fast,” perhaps you have to try saying, “You explained the topic clearly, and with a slightly slower pace, your audience would absorb even more of your ideas.”
You notice the differences, right? While the first one gives a vibe: “Yeah, I did it okay, but now here comes the real judgment.” The praise is forgotten, and the person may feel dismissed. The second one gives a vibe: “You’re on the right track, here’s how to elevate it.” The person felt both acknowledged and motivated to improve.
If we always learn to deliver feedback and critique nicely, show the nice and good things about others, and end it with positive remarks, then our relationship, either at home or anywhere, will be better. There is no one who loves staying around a husband/wife, partner, or boss who constantly grumbles and complains poorly.
Give feedback kindly, not harshly. People appreciate it and feel respected, as if they’re being guided rather that attacked. Because the ego is loud, but the impact? It’s quiet. If someone feels discouraged, embarrassed, or ashamed after our feedback, they won’t improve; they might shut down. (Remember that Sofia girl from earlier?) But if we use kind words, they’ll leave feeling challenged, yet supported. That’s when real growth happens.
Love,
Kirana
