In our parenting journey, there is one principle worth holding onto: if we want to raise children who are kind, resilient, and able to live well in their time, parents need to keep growing into better versions of themselves. Not because we are expected to be perfect, but because growth cannot be forced. It spreads through the way we live our everyday lives. And this is often where many of us stop—not because we do not care, but because we feel we have done enough.
This may not be a popular idea, but growth is never truly finished. Believing that we are “done growing” simply because we are older or because we have become parents is a misunderstanding. More often than not, it is not a sign of maturity, but of stopping the process and calling it maturity. That is where many problems begin to harden.
We often hear a phrase that sounds wise: “As long as the parents have their lives sorted out.” At first glance, it makes sense. But when we look closer, this idea is often misunderstood. Being “sorted” is commonly taken to mean having a neat life, stable emotions, or an attitude of “this is just how it is.” In many cases, however, this is not resolution—it is exhaustion disguised as acceptance. And when we misunderstand what it means to be “sorted,” what actually stops is not life’s challenges, but our awareness.
A more honest understanding of being “sorted” is simpler, yet more demanding. It does not mean having no struggles. It means being aware of what still needs to be handled and being willing to take responsibility for it. It does not mean being calm all the time, but being conscious enough not to pass our emotional weight onto our children.
What we often forget is that behind the role of being a parent, we remain whole individuals. We bring our own character, emotional patterns, perspectives, and values. Parenting, whether we like it or not, never happens in a vacuum. It always moves through who we are, not just what we teach.
Children do not mainly learn from our good intentions or our best advice. They learn from what they see repeated every day: how we react when we are tired, how we treat ourselves when we fail, and how we take responsibility for our emotions. Children do not copy what we mean, they absorb what is consistent.
Ideally, our character and perspective help us meet life with a sense of wholeness, calm, and awareness. When that is not yet the case, children almost always carry the remainder: unacknowledged emotions, unconscious expectations, and old patterns that show up in everyday reactions. This does not mean we are bad parents. It means that whatever we are not aware of will continue to operate and quietly ask for our attention.
At the same time, we live in an era where parenting books, classes, and seminars are everywhere. Knowledge is no longer the main issue. What is far rarer is the willingness to change. Honestly, many of us do not stop growing—we simply replace growth with information and then tell ourselves we have “learned and grown.” Yet learning about parenting is very different from growing as a parent. One adds references; the other requires us to reorganize how we feel and how we respond.
Knowledge can give us the right words. But without inner growth, those words often come from a place of fatigue and unfinished work. Methods can easily become masks—polished on the outside, fragile underneath. It is not that the knowledge is wrong. More often, we expect it to work without asking us to change.
In the end, parenting is never neutral. It always moves through the inner state of the parent. And without a willingness to keep growing, what we pass on to our children is not calm, but old patterns dressed in modern language.
We often hear the airplane oxygen mask analogy: put your own mask on first, not because it is selfish, but because without air you cannot help anyone. The problem is that many of us understand this idea, yet still expect to support our children while running out of breath. In parenting, caring for ourselves, regulating our emotions, and continuing to grow are not extras. They are the foundation.
Age is just a number. Growth does not follow roles or life stages. Being an adult does not mean we stop learning. It means we take responsibility for the parts of ourselves that still need attention.
Ultimately, parenting is not about how much we know. It is about how willing we are to grow. Not about becoming parents who are “finished,” but about being aware enough to show up fully—because children do not live with our ideal versions, but with the version of us that shows up most often.
Love,
Kirana
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