I have this one bad experience, it happened a long time ago. I didn’t want to even think about it, because it felt …hurt. It always brought a wound in my chest. I still remembered all the details, and also my feeling at that moment and the years after. If I could turn back the times, it was something that I would to avoid and erase from my memory. Was that what we called trauma?
What is trauma, exactly? To answer it, I got this from google. Trauma is an emotional response to a distressing event that can have lasting effects on a person’s life. It can be caused by a single event or a series of events. Well, I guess we already understand about it. It affects us in a long term. But here’s the thing, years after I experienced what I’d told you earlier, I begin to feel “light” when I think about it. As if it’s not affecting me anymore. I’m aware it was an unpleasant event that happened in my life. But I have to be honest, it was my mistake in the first place. And how people reacted to it, it was something beyond my control and imagination. At that time, I felt I was a victim. I wasn’t supposed to be treated that way. It’s not nice at all. But, did I have to remain feel that away? In the end, it would consume me. And I’ll be the one who drowns in the dark.
Recently, I read this book for a third time (Yes, you didn’t hear it wrong), “The Courage to be Disliked” by Ichiro Kishimi & Fumitake Koga. Wow, this book is phenomenal, there’s a certain topic I disagree, but overall it’s a mind-blowing book. It turns upside down our previous thoughts. Agree or disagree? It’s up to you. But here’s something that I’m agree with. The authors said that, according to Alfred Adler (Psychotherapist and The Founder of the school of Individual Psychology), our past experiences do not define our present. They do not determine our future either. Instead of being controlled by trauma, we consciously choose how we respond and interpret past experiences. Let me try elaborate more. Here’s the main idea (bold and underline) : The past doesn’t dictate our future. What does it means? People often believe that past trauma defines who we are today. Is it wrong? Totally. We can’t say that bad experiences won’t affects our character building. Indeed it gives a strong effects. But, what most important is, nothing is really determined by those effects. We determine our own life according to the meaning that we given in the past events. Our life is not something given by someone else, but something that we choose by ourselves. And we are the one who can decide how we will live our lives. It’s all on us.
To be clear, it means, our life is determine by our present goals. Maybe if we want to make it clearer it will be like this : Instead of saying “I can’t be happy because of my trauma”, Adler will suggests us saying “I’m choosing not to be happy because of my current mindset.” It’s shocking, right? How Adler can say we choose not to be happy? Relax, don’t get anxious. Here’s what he’s trying to say. He believes that happiness is not something that happens to us. It is something we choose based on our thoughts and actions in the present. Got the point? Yes, it’s all about shifting MINDSET. Let’s say, Adam and Ben. These two guys had difficult childhood. Adam believes his past trauma, means he can never trust people and be happy. While Ben, acknowledge his past but chooses to build healthy relationship and find a way to happiness. Notice the differences? Yes, correct. Ben changed his mindset, while Adam stayed stuck in his.
Also sometimes we choose to stuck in our trauma and not be happy because we want to feel special. Wait, what? Alright. I try to explain it to you. For example, we have a kid who constantly make a troubles at school. And after that, he always lock himself for a days in his room. How do we feel as parent? Mad, of course. But, we must feel worried, right? We want to help him to be a good kid. And we are wondering, Do we raise him right? or not right? We think all of the ways we can to help him back to his normal existence. So it means we, as his parents, will put all of our attention to him, right? We will be treat him carefully, like a vulnerable vase. He will feel he is special. In the contrary, if he become normal kid, he will feel we won’t pay attention to him. He is not special. He choose to be that way.
Yes, I know it’s a shocking. But it is what it is. We are not unhappy because of our past. We are unhappy because we are choosing to see things in a way that prevents happiness. Unblock it to find our way to happiness. Let the bad memories and bad experiences gone with the wind. Please always choose to be happy, as it will set us free.
Love,
Kirana
