In my previous post, we unpacked the idea that some couples argue often and are still happy together, because of what? That’s my friends, something we have to figure out. Well, consider this the sequel. Because the more I think about it, the more I realize: there’s a certain charm to their chaos.
So, the problem before, the scientists who studied happy and unhappy couples found that all of their hypotheses were wrong. They looked for other factors that might explain the differences between the two. One observation is that many couples, regardless of their happiness, often fight for control. While it seems they’re arguing about words and decisions, they’re trying to gain control. There’s a pattern that shows up in an argument. It sounds like:
“He’s always trying to control me.”
“She’s twisting my words.”
“He just wants me to agree with him, not think for myself.”
“She’s trying to trap me into saying things I don’t mean.”
The real issue usually isn’t the topic at hand. It’s the fear of being overpowered, the feeling of being backed into a corner, or the ache of not being heard unless you say things the “right” way.” They’ve become frustrated because they want to make their own decision, but the other is trying to take control. Of course, we’d like to have control, it’s so human! Also, it’s natural for couples to fight for control; it’s a part of finding ways to balance needs, wants, roles, and responsibilities between each other.
But, here’s the thing, when the scientists look more closely again into the videos of couples who have arguments, they start to realize this one thing that they missed before. What is it? In an argument, it looks like happy and unhappy couples have different approaches to control, which are truly different. They are still fighting over who will get control. Sometimes, the wife restricts the issue of arguments, it’s like: “I don’t want to talk about it!” or the husband decides a period for the argument, “I give you only 5 minutes to talk about it, after that, it’s finished!” . (Supercommunicator, Charles Duhigg).
But here’s the difference: among unhappy couples, the urge to gain control is mostly expressed as an effort to control the other party. On the other hand, among happy couples, the desire for control arises differently. Instead of trying to control the other, a happy couple tends to focus on controlling themselves, their surroundings, and the conflict itself.
If we try to imagine the situation, probably the unhappy couple’s arguments go like this:
Wife 
“You have to come to dinner with me, and stop criticizing me for once! And for God’s sake, ask me how my day was for a change!”
Husband (H): “Don’t talk to me like that.”
W: “Then stop treating me like I’m invisible!”
H: “If you roll your eyes one more time, I swear I’m walking out.”
W: “Go ahead! You only stay when everything goes your way anyway!”
H: “Don’t you dare twist this around; this is exactly what you do when you’re losing.”
W: “Oh, so now I’m losing? Wow. You really need to win that badly?”
You’ll know what will lead to? Yes, they’re split up 10 months after. You see the patterns, right?
On the other hand, arguments between happy couple, perhaps could be like this:
Husband (H) (jokingly): “Yeah, she’s never on time, unless there’s dessert involved.” (chuckles)
Wife (smiling at first, then quiet). Doesn’t respond. Starts focusing on her food.
Later, that night, at home.
W: “About that joke you made at dinner… I know it was supposed to be funny, but it made me feel small, like I’m just the ‘late and food-obsessed’ person in the group.”
H: (Pauses, takes a breath), “I didn’t mean to hurt you. I thought it was harmless, but I can see how it came off that way. I’m sorry.”
W: “I wasn’t trying to ruin the moment. I just felt embarrassed, especially when everyone laughed. I wish you’d kept it private.”
H: “You’re right. I should’ve thought about how it would land for you, not just the laughs. Next time, I’ll check myself before making you the punchline. We good?”
W: “Yeah. We’re good.”
You can see the difference, right? You notice the pattern. They slow down the fight. Pausing. They try to put all of their efforts into controlling themselves and being aware of each other. Instead of reacting immediately when conflict arises, they wait until the situation is safe to have the difficult conversation. Often, when an argument starts at night, they pause it, go to sleep, and discuss the issue calmly in the morning. They also work on keeping conflicts small and controlling the limits of the conflicts, avoiding escalation. In contrast, an unhappy couple allows conflicts to grow into bigger issue.
The point is, happy couples still have arguments, fighting, but one thing is for sure, they agree on finding things that they can control together, not just one-sided. If we focus on controlling ourselves, our surroundings, and the conflict itself, then the arguments often turn into conversations to try to understand, not fight, and not hurt each other.
They’re fighting with care, not for control.
Love,
Kirana
