Salesperson: “Free chocolate sample?”
Me: “Okay.” (bites, oh they’re good!)
Salesperson: “They’re on promo.”
Me: “Hmm. No thanks.”
Salesperson: “They might sell out.”
Me: “Okay, fine.” (now $25 poorer with 3 packs of chocolates that I didn’t need and even know they existed 90 seconds ago)
Familiar? Of course. I bet you’ve been in this kind of situation, especially when doing the grocery shopping. At first, we feel impolite if we refuse they’re offer, while thinking nothing’s wrong with it. It’s just chocolate for god’s sake! However, it’s not just a chocolate; it has another dimension. When we first take the free sample just to avoid being harsh, that’s the moment we’ll be dragged into a moment of feeling indebted to others.
This is what Dr. Robert Cialdini, in his 1984 bestseller “Influence: The Psychology of Persuasion”, as the Reciprocity Phenomenon. Rolf Dobelli, in his bestseller “The Art of Thinking Clearly,” also explains this.
Basically, it’s our natural tendency to reciprocate favors, gifts, or concessions, even if we didn’t ask for them. When someone gives us something, we feel a need to give back, whether we realize it or not. Why is it? This is a human behavior rooted in our history. It’s an evolutionary survival instinct. Long ago, before money existed, early humans survived by sharing food, tools, and protection. If someone shared food from their hunt, you’d return the favor later, to avoid being left out of the group. Over time, this “you help me, I help you” approach became part of our instincts because it helped us survive. And it became one of the social conditioning, the rules we’re raised with. From childhood, we hear: “Don’t forget to return the favor.” These rules train us to see giving back as moral correctness, and not reciprocating as rude and shameful.
So, now we have entered the emotional aspect. We experience discomfort and mental tension when something feels ‘uneven’. We have this understanding in our mind: when someone gives us something, it creates an imbalance; they’ve ‘invested’ in us, and giving back helps restore ‘balance’ and eases that discomfort.
This is my friend, who marketers recognize and exploit it. And ended up working so well. Reciprocity doesn’t go through our slow, rational thinking; it’s an emotional reflex. That’s why we can enter a store, not intending to buy anything, and leave with a chocolate or even a branded bag we didn’t plan to get….(just because they offered us sparkling water!) smiling like it was our own choice.
This can be dangerous, right? We might end up giving more than we receive. In most cases, the return favor can be “much bigger” than the original “gift”. It also skips our rational judgment; we might agree to things we don’t really want or need (like that chocolate!) because it’s hard to resist, as it happens automatically and often below our awareness.
So, how can we prevent this from happening? It’s common, right? Let’s figure it out together. One way I try to do this is by separating the gift from the request. When someone unexpectedly gives me something, I take a moment before responding to their next request. For instance, a week ago, a store clerk handed me a free pen and then offered me a membership card. Instead of feeling obligated to sign up because of the gift, I ask myself, if I want the membership based solely on its value. Would I still agree if they hadn’t given me the pen? This helps me shift from emotional to logical thinking. If my answer is no, I politely decline, if yes, then it might be worth it.
What else can we do to avoid it? Let’s try this one: Learn to accept gifts without being compelled to reciprocate immediately. By this, we can appreciate kindness without creating instant debt in our heads. Practice saying, “Thank you, I’ll think about it.” Give ourselves time before acting, it can make the reciprocity pressure fade surprisingly fast. This one is super important to keep in mind: genuine gifts don’t come with strings attached. If they do, it’s not a gift, it’s bait!
Then, train ourselves to spot when someone is strategically using reciprocity. This principle is almost certainly at play: Free samples at stores, ‘complimentary’ consultations, surprise bonus items or upgrades right before a sales pitch, charities sending free calendars, greeting cards, or stickers with their donation request. Once we recognize it, we’ll see it everywhere! And the moment we name it, ‘Ah, they’re using reciprocity, ‘ the emotional power weakens.
That’s my friend, a ways to avoid it from happening.
I’m not saying reciprocity is bad; it’s actually important for living together peacefully and helps our economy. The key is to understand the intention behind it—whether it’s genuine or forced. Genuine intentions can build relationships, promote teamwork, inspire kindness, and reinforce our values. For instance, if our neighbor waters our plants while we’re away, and we bake them a cake to thank them, that shows mutual care.
Just try not to get caught up in reciprocating! This is my last bit of advice and my ninja style. Just say no if someone offers us something in stores or anywhere else, unless we want to fill our fridge and home with stuff we don’t really need or even like.
Love,
Kirana
