What Do Friends Really Need: Listening or Advice?

My phone rang. It was my best friend’s name on the screen. I’m not the kind of person who always picks up someone else’s call if it’s not essential for me, but I decided to pick it up, since I know it’s usually important if she made a call, and she is an important person to me. I value her.

There, her voice carried a heavy, heartbroken tone, asking me: “Hi, do you have time? Can I come to your place? I need someone to talk to.”

I said yes, and 1 hour later she came.

Turns out I’m not delusional; she is indeed looking tired, sorrowful, and sad. I hugged her, and suddenly the tears burst from her face. She keeps sobbing in my arms. I can’t stop wondering what happened to her, but I just wait for her to share it with me. Once she had calmed down, she sat and began her story.

“My husband is cheating on me with a random woman he met in a club where he was joining an after-hours office entertainment. All of his boss and his colleagues there doing the same thing. He said it’s nothing serious, it’s only a fling and an instant moment. He didn’t love her. But the problem is, it happens so many times, with different women. Not just this one! And I’m afraid it will continue as long as he stays in that damn office!”

The truth is, I can’t help to give the solution right away after she told me that. But I keep my mouth shut. I just tried to comfort her, hugged and stroked her shoulder while saying to her: “It must make you sad and frustrated to go through this painful chapter. I’m here for you anytime you need me.”

Because here’s the truth: when people come to us, they actually just need to be listened to. To validate their feelings. To feel that they are not alone in this unpleasant moment, to know that there’s someone they trust to talk to, to lift their sorrow and sadness, and to be their shoulder to cry on. It’s a wise thing to do for us to hold our advice spoiled from our mouths. Yes, I know sometimes it’s unbearable, since we think we know the solutions to that problem. But trust me, no one likes to be given advice if they don’t ask for it. Instead of feeling grateful, it just makes them more frustrated and annoyed, even though we never truly understand the situation.

It happens all the time, right? When we feel annoyed, angry with someone, or with the situation, and then we talk to our partner, and they instantly burst out the advice in front of us, and suddenly we feel more annoyed and frustrated. It’s like we’re saying inwardly, I don’t need your goddamn advice, I just want to be heard, for God’s sake! I just want you to know my feelings, and tell me that’s okay for me to feel that. I know that we might feel we help them with our solutions, it’s our kind gesture. And people whom we gave advice also noticed that we were just trying to help, but instead of feeling relieved, the truth is they are not, and both sides feel regret about talking afterwards.

So, the best thing to do is just keep silent, just listen, be sympathetic by knowing and validating their feelings, and hold our nice advice until they ask for it. And when they’re asking for our advice, instead of giving solid advice, we can ask them an open question and help them find the answer to their problem. Maybe it will sound like this: “What do you really want? or “What do you think…” or “What if…” Then, you might give them choices based on their answers, but remember, no pressure to them and don’t suggest it, just help them to think about the possible choices. By that, we already help them.

The question is, why don’t we just give them advice and a solution? We think and feel that we’re capable of it. We think we know the solution to that problem. Here’s why: because we don’t really know what truly worked for others! Honestly, we are also not certain what truly worked for us. So, how can we be so sure that our advice is the best? Make sense, right?

It’s also important to them to make their own decisions, so they can fully commit to it and feel confident in what they have already decided. If we continue to give them advice, we will erase this important opportunity. It’s important to them to be given a space and moment to think, weighing the available possibilities and options. By doing this, we are not letting them lose control of their own life. Do you know that one of the sources of happiness and well-being is to have control over ourselves and our lives? So that’s why it’s important to us to make sure that people we care about still have this control of their life by giving them a moment and space to think and decide what’s best for themselves, so they won’t feel anxious or worried about their own lives. If we are the ones who give them solutions, pushing our advice, it means we robbed them of control of their lives, no matter how good our intentions are, whereas what is most important is what they feel, not our intentions.

Here’s to reflect: The other people’s life choices won’t change our lives. We only think they can choose the better options, but the truth is, we just feel worried and feel guilty that they will decide the wrong options (once again, who the hell are we to decide what’s right and wrong since sometimes we are not certain what’s best for us? This might ease you a little bit, know that actually, perhaps they already know what’s best for them, and all the consequences behind their decision. And that’s my friends, not our responsibility anymore, no need to feel worried and guilty for what happens next. We just need to be a great supporter for them.

Because sometimes the best advice is silence, the kind that holds space for another soul to breathe.

Love,
Kirana