I laugh so hard when I read my son’s (14 years old) WhatsApp text (Yes, I’m still checking my kid’s phone every day, what can I say? I’m an asian parent, there’s no privacy until they become an adult. Agree or disagree? It’s up to you.) Basically, it’s between him and the other kids that one or two months ago had a beef between them, until at some points his parents complained to the school, and told his kid not to play with my son and the other friends. But, you know, kids, they easily forget and forgive, their text showing some kind of funny interaction between them, and no sign that there’s a beef before.
And this is what I think about: kids forgive faster than adults do. Way faster. Honestly, maybe the best parenting move isn’t to stop their fights, but to let them happen.
Children engage in conflicts openly and honestly, treating it like a game: they argue without holding back and then quickly move on. There are no drawn-out apologies or lengthy conversations, just a simple, “Okay, now let’s play tag.” It may be chaotic and emotional, but it’s a genuine part of being human. Kids haven’t yet learned to hold grudges or plan out conversations; they simply get over it. Like in The Fast & The Furious, where there are thrilling fights and then a quick return to camaraderie, children bounce back together, ready for the next adventure.
But parents, we tend to interfere. We can’t help it. We come in like referees, trying to call out bad behavior on the playground. We talk about sharing and kindness, saying things like “we don’t hit in this family.” But let’s be honest, that talk isn’t really for the kids. It’s for us. It helps us deal with our own unease, our fear that conflict means we’ve failed. We can’t tolerate the mess, so we take control of how things end. But by doing this, we take away their important chance to figure things out on their own. It’s like interrupting a dress rehearsal and not letting the actors learn their parts.
Kathryn Mannix, in With the End in Mind, explains that people close to death don’t waste time on grudges. They value their time too much to let anger take over. She says that forgiveness isn’t about being a saint. It’s about surviving. Watching kids, I see the same idea. They aren’t being noble when they forgive; they’re being practical. Holding a grudge means less fun on the swings, less time with soccer, and less laughter. So why hold on? They prefer to move on. Maybe that’s why kids seem so full of life. They don’t carry old problems with them. Adults can get angry like Bruce Banner turning into the Hulk when someone cuts them off in traffic, while kids are more like Dory in Finding Nemo: they forget quickly, start fresh, and go on new adventures.
Life is full of conflict, and parents need to understand this truth. Children will face challenges like broken friendships, difficult relationships, and daily frustrations. If they don’t learn to handle small disputes now, they won’t be equipped for larger problems later. Conflict is not the enemy; it’s a learning opportunity. Kathryn Mannix reminds us that hard conversations are important because growth comes from discomfort. Every minor issue, like a stolen toy or friendship troubles, helps kids develop important skills. Resilience can’t be handed to them in a story; it must be earned through real-life experiences, including tears and apologies.
So let them fight. Let them shout about who played with the ball first. Let them shout, slam doors, and call each other “mean.” Let them walk away dramatically, only to return moments later with an Coca Cola or snacks. Trust them to navigate through the mess. What seems like noise to us is actually practice for life. They’re developing conflict skills just like they build Lego towers, clumsily, imperfectly, but stronger each time. And surprisingly, they often resolve things faster than we think.
Kathryn Mannix reminds us that at the end of life, it’s not about winning arguments but about who stayed close and reached for our hand. Children understand this naturally; their fights are intense but short because relationships matter more than being “right.” They prefer to go back to playing instead of keeping score. Perhaps they are teaching us Mannix’s important lesson: love lasts longer than conflict, if we allow it.
It’s the same message in the movies and shows we love. Take Inside Out 2: the clash of emotions led to growth, not disaster. Or consider The Lion King: Simba and Scar were not just after a throne; they dealt with loyalty, betrayal, and forgiveness. Pop culture understands this: conflict isn’t the end; it’s just another part of the journey towards something greater.
So perhaps the goal isn’t to prevent our kids from fighting. Maybe it’s to step back, stay silent, and trust the experience. Let them argue, break down, and rebuild. Realizing that friendship is stronger than any disagreement. While we hold onto their grudges, they’ve already moved on to a new game. Perhaps the true parenting insight is this: learn from them. Allow them to show us how to argue, forgive, and return to playing.
Trust them to fix what they’ve broken. Trust that their friendship is stronger than their squabble.
Love,
Kirana
